When People You Care About Say Repulsive Things
Next steps for where to put your time and energy
It's hard to know how to handle it when someone you care about says something repulsive.
In our current political climate, it happens all the time. Families and friendships fracture.
So far, I've refused to lose people over politics. I have several strong relationships with people who have very different beliefs than I do. It makes for interesting conversations, and I enjoy learning about what others believe and why they believe it.
Religion, guns, abortion, poverty - there's always a complex and thought-provoking conversation to be had.
Where I run into trouble
But when someone says something ugly and awful, dehumanizing or intolerant, I need more skills for engaging.
I've been processing a conversation I had with someone who shared their feelings about same-sex relationships. Faced with opinions that went so deeply against what I value (human dignity, equality, openness, love), I reeled inside. But outside, I stayed true to my belief that relationships are the priority.
This value springs from my most cherished belief: Love one another.
What happened in the moment
So, I handled the conversation as honestly and gracefully as I could. Remaining completely calm with the hope of planting seeds of tolerance, I shared my views. I pushed back gently. When the person showed no sign of openness, I changed the subject and then wrapped up the conversation.
Grateful that it was over, I took some time to regroup.
You see, my daughter is bisexual. She's in a happy, committed relationship with a woman. Although anti-gay sentiments are stand-alone horrible, this particular issue comes with a side of Mama Bear.
And then the processing
With the conversation over and the relationship intact, I began to question the balancing of relationships and values. Is the relationship really the most important thing? It's a complicated question with no easy answers.
Space
Processing takes time.
At first, I just gave the conversation room to bounce around in my head. It wasn't that I needed to cool down. My emotions were more dejected than fiery.
The experience left me sad and heavy.
What I felt immediately after is what I still feel now. Grief and aversion. It hurts that people feel this way, and I have no desire to be around them again.
This brought the relationship question into the spotlight.
Conversations
This step was essential for me, and it had nothing to do with bashing the person who said the thing.
Instead, it was about important questions:
Where does intolerance come from?
What can be done about it?
Does the relationship survive?
Close friends with kindred values who had experienced similar things helped me process and expand my perspective.
Information
Then I turned to Google for some answers.
According to Britannica, homophobia is a "culturally conditioned response to homosexuality, and attitudes toward homosexuals vary widely across cultures and over time." (Note: Britannica is using outdated language. "Homosexual" is often used as a slur. According to Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), it's a term that should be avoided by Non-LGBTQ+ people. Preferred descriptors include but are not limited to gay, lesbian, bisexual, and queer.)
It's not likely to surprise you that intolerance has strong roots in religion, and some religious groups continue to provide a fertile ground for homophobia. Is this irony or expectancy? It's easy to make a case for both.
But what's noteworthy is that intolerance is culturally conditioned. If humans can be conditioned into it, then there's a way out of it.
When I started to put words to the initial conversation, homophobia, hatred, and bigotry came to mind. To say the obvious, calling someone a homophobe, hater, or bigot is not likely to provide an opportunity to share a different point of view. It's a path to escalation and alienation.
Instead, Freedom for All Americans recommends using language that creates empathy and may lead to a change of heart. Suggestions include unfairness, hurtfulness, exclusion, intolerance, and rejection.
Challenge the conditioning.
Words on paper
As this experience unfolds, I'm writing.
I'm contemplating causes and solutions. I'm expanding on ideas from conversations, recording what I've learned from resources, and pondering how I can contribute to inclusion, equity, and justice.
I want people to be safe and loved, and I'll spend my time and energy contributing to that dream.
This includes more skillfully engaging in difficult conversations and sharing words with the world.
Resources
Image: Canva Pro
Also published in Better Humans
